Happy holidays, everyone!

Yes, I'm still here. Thanks for all your nice letters of concern for my well being since my breakup with E (as well as the usual not so nice, mean-spirited barbs you jealous types always send). E and I have been able to maintain our professional relationship without incident, pretty much. For now, I'm content to be helping E out on his mission, as well as keeping you, the fans, abreast of what's going on in EELS world -- and a lot has been going on -- so I've been very busy and I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to touch base with you all sooner. Somebody needs to spank me.

Back to business: What a year it's been for E and the boys and girls. The amazing Blinking Lights and Other Revelations double album was released in April and the EELS with strings tour played many concerts around the world. Hope you were lucky enough to have caught a show. To cap it all off, after the tour's last show, which happened to be in New Zealand, everyone stayed there for a week of just hanging out and having fun. This marked E's first-ever vacation, and by all reports, a good time was had by all, even Mr. E. I never thought he'd take a vacation, but he did, and he came back to the Everett compound refreshed and eager to get on with his projects. Of course, no one invited me, but I guess hanging out and having fun on a remote island in beautiful New Zealand isn't part of my current job description.

Mr. E is so busy working on things for the future, that he's had no time to put up holiday decorations around the E estate, so it looks like that'll be yet another task heaped upon my petite yet sturdy shoulders. When is MY vacation??

I know you're all looking forward to the Live at Town Hall film and album coming out in February. I've seen the film, and let me tell you that you're in for a real treat. It was beautifully shot by director Niels Alpert and there's a lot of footage of E and the gang behind the scenes on tour like you've never seen before. And the album sounds fantastic. There may be some more surprises ahead, we'll see, so stay tuned. Let's get to the mail now. Happy holidays to all of you! Looking forward to a great new year!

xox,

Amber

MAILBAG

Dear Amber,

Wow, lady! You have got some GIANT BALLS! I have to thank you for the truthful insight into what "E" is really like, but I can't believe that you actually posted it. If I ever hire someone to run my website, I'll be sure to check it. I'm not trying to berate you in any way, just, wow... I know that people (especially musicians, like myself) go a little crazy sometimes and can be complete assholes. Not that this makes it OK, by any means, but I'm curious what the "good" side of Mark Everett is, like, if there is one, which there has to be, since you were with him. You don't strike me as tasteless, in fact you sound like a really cool girl, from the sounds of it, maybe cooler than the "E," but who am I to say? Thanks for your underhanded dedication.

G

Dear G,

I do not have "giant balls," nor any balls, for that matter, and I certainly don't think that I'm being underhanded by telling you all about certain aspects of E's beautiful, complicated and multilayered personality. Hey, if you are lucky enough to get with someone that is a sensitive and great artist, chances are that they are going to be sensitive to a lot of things you didn't bargain for as well. It just comes with the dinner, as they say. But those little moments are just bumps in the road for what is usually a wonderful and enriching ride.

Even though E and I are broken-up, I still look back fondly on all of our personal experiences together, before he deemed me to be merely his workhorse and had no time to think of me as the beautiful and extraordinary woman I am. Nothing has ever excited me more than E knocking on my guesthouse door, his guitar in his hand and a glimmer in his eye, eager to play me a song he wrote only minutes before. The long nights sipping wine, talking about the future, and making the most extraordinary, sweet and passionate love until dawn. Does that sound all bad? If E ever takes enough time away from his projects to find new love again, some lucky lady out there is in for one heck of a sweet ride. Albeit one in a scary roller coaster car with only three working wheels.

Dear Amber,

I'm having everyone over for Christmas soon and want to play some EELS music on the stereo for my friends to enjoy. Other than "Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas" and "Christmas Is Going To The Dogs" is there any other EELS music you would recommend to play during the holidays?

Thanks a bunch,
C

Dear C,

Those are the only EELS Christmas tunes I'm aware of, but you do hear sleigh bells occasionally popping up on some of their other songs, like "My Descent Into Madness." But putting the Electro-shock Blues CD on for a Christmas party may result in your guests downing handfuls of pills with their eggnog and dying, so I'd steer clear of that one. I always thought there was a nice Christmassy thing about "Marie Floating Over The Backyard" from the Blinking Lights album, maybe because it has a choir-like sound. Or maybe because I remember E working on it during the holidays last year, back when we were so happy and in love. Ah, those were good days and nights. All in the past now. Whatever. Well, good luck with your party.

Dear Amber,

I saw the EELS with strings concert in Sydney, Australia. Everyone was damned fine, but I must agree with you in regards to The Chet. It was kinda hard to see him properly from where I was sitting, but anyone who can play the saw, guitar, mandolin, a suitcase etc., etc., etc., is okay by me. Do you know where I can find some smoldering, soft focus, come hither photos of The Chet?

Love,

S

Dear S,

Yes, indeed, The Chet certainly is a "hottie," but I'm afraid I'm going to have to serve you a serious warning: Hands off, bitch -- he's mine. You all know I've had my sights set on him for a while and now that the tour is over, I feel like I've really got a real shot, so just back off, 'k? The only soft focus photos of The Chet I'm interested in are the ones I'll be taking myself, soon enough.

Dear Amber,

Is there any word on when E might be coming out with a new CD? A good friend introduced me to his music and for that I shall be forever grateful! I must say that E's music has been an eye-opening, liberating and inspirational journey for my soul. Maybe this winter??? I can't think of anything better than bundling myself up in a nice warm blanket during these cold Minnesota winters, sipping hot cocoa and indulging myself with one of his new creations.

Anxiously awaiting his next release,
L

Dear L,

Criminey! Isn't a double album of 33 tracks that was released just seven months ago enough for the time being? Do you know how long it took to complete the Blinking Lights album? SEVEN YEARS. And now you want more already? Do you know how hard Mr. E works? Don't you think there's a reason why he has no personal life and loses great girls like me because he loves his music more than anything, including me? You will enjoy Blinking Lights as his latest new studio offering for as long as it takes for him to release a new studio album -- do you hear me? And, because Mr. E is such a "giver" you can also enjoy the new Live at Town Hall film and album soon enough (I hope you can hold onto your britches until February 21st). I'm sorry to get so huffy, but I've come to realize that it's his work that has kept him away from me, because it certainly couldn't be anything about me, as I am a wonderful, giving and very loving woman, so for you to not appreciate his work, the very thing that has taken him from me, makes the loss seem meaningless. Enjoy the work, for God's sakes! It must be awfully good if he chose it over me!

Dear Amber,

What is your relationship with Bobby, Jr., if any? I'm a big fan of the EELS' singing dog and wear his T-shirt and panties often. I love him in the Hey Man (Now You're Really Living) video! He's so adorable. That googly leg really gets to me. What's he really like, I mean, to be around on a daily basis?

Curious,
C

Dear C,

One of my responsibilities in helping out at the Everett estate is occasionally walking Mr. Jr., whenever E or one of his other handlers is not in the mood. Back when E first brought Bobby home from the pound he was a sweet natured, laid back cutey pie with a screwy leg. Now that he's famous and has his own line of merchandise, things have changed. He has become very aggressive and tries to start fights with other dogs when we go walking. He's become something of an ill-tempered braggart. But this is something that happened with E during his early success as well, and he eventually grew out of it, so hopefully Bobby will, too. As far as I'm concerned, at the end of the day, he's just a deformed mongrel that poops wherever he pleases and expects me to pick it up after him, while he gets his own segment in the upcoming EELS DVD and I remain an invisible worker bee.

Dear Amber,

Don't you think there was some chemistry between The Chet and the ladies in the string section at the EELS with strings shows?? I especially thought so during the live version of Flyswatter in Nottingham. Ana's cello was more than a bit in tune with The Chet's saw... even before she got that strange black instrument onto the microphone! I'm not one to say that you've had your chance, but The Chet doesn't seem like the kind of guy to mess with E's ex's.

Best of luck though.
A

Dear, sweet, naive A,

I'm afraid that it's quite an incestuous little world around here. Sometimes it's hard to keep score. How many times have I seen Big Al with his arm lovingly around the shoulder of some beauty, only to see The Chet's multifaceted arm around the same girl a week later? I don't think these guys subscribe to whatever rules you're thinking of. If it's alive, it's fair game to them. I definitely have a chance!

Dear Amber,

I've been in and out of a relationship with one of those bipolar, often suicidal, cries-for-days type musicians for about three years. I can handle whatever he's got, but the hardest part is that it's sort of ruined me for "normal" relationships. There's an intensity that just isn't there in a normal relationship, and I miss the unpredictability... even though that was often a negative, I suppose. What's a girl to do?

I hope everything works out for you and you end up with a comfortable life that makes you happy. Thanks again for sharing parts of your life with us.

A

Dear A,

Yep, that's how the crazies get you on the hook. I know EXACTLY what you're talking about, girlfriend. Just know that you're not alone. If I had a dime for every time E came knocking on my door, laughing hysterically about something I didn't even understand, but then suddenly his laughter turned to the sobs of a two year old with a load in his diapers, I'd be able to buy my own house instead of having to work for slave labor wages and live in the backyard of said artistic kook. Yet, at the same time... for me, it IS worth it. Sure, you have to endure some unpleasantries, but, oh, those sweet payoffs! Also, have you noticed that the "normals" don't have a clue in the bedroom? They just aren't sensitive enough to tune into it like an artist can. If the price of mind-blowing lovemaking experiences means having to live through some kookiness now and then, so be it. Sign me up. Good luck, girl!

Dear Amber,

If I wrote a song about you, would you go out with me? It seems that's the kind of thing that you like, being with a songwriter, and I think I'm pretty good. What if I call the song "Amber Lights" or something like that. Well?

Longingly,
B

Dear B,

Dear God, do you really think that I'm so easy that when any Tom, Dick or Hootie off the street warbles one of his overwrought and underdeveloped tunes at me -- my pants magically fly off? It's not so easy, Junior. Write me a song like "If You See Natalie" or "I'm Going To Stop Pretending That I Didn't Break Your Heart" and then we'll talk. Best of luck with your studies.

Write to Amber's Mailbag HERE. Please put "Amber's Mailbag" in the subject line, thanks.