Dear Uncle E's advice is intended to be read merely as entertainment and not as something you should actually pay attention to, let alone act upon. If you actually think that taking advice from THIS guy, of all people, can help you, then you're in worse trouble than you think. No one here at EELStheband.com takes any responsibility for anything written in the Dear Uncle E column. Uncle E is neither your Uncle nor anyone else you actually know. If Uncle E does not reply in print to your letter, this does not mean that he hates you. If Uncle E does reply in print to your letter, this does not mean that he likes you.

Dear Uncle E,
When I grow up I want to be a singer, but I have often been told that for people to like me, I need to "rock out." What does this mean? And can you rock out too much? What happens if you do? I'm confused about this. Thank you.

K

Dear K,
Indeed, rock is not something to be taken lightly. In the wrong hands, the results can be disastrous (see German Red Hot Chili Pepper letter elsewhere in this column.) It's different for each person. Personally, I can never rock too much, but I was born with a very high rock out tolerance. A lucky draw of the genetic cards. But other lesser equipped folks may have a hard time hammering home the rock night after night. You need to spend some time exploring your capabilities. You may find that your constitution is better suited to classical music, or, at best, soft rock. Good luck and have fun on your journey!

Dear Uncle E,
I'm an 18 year old college student and I'm having love trouble of the worst kind. After I graduated from high school I moved to Seattle to go to school. When I left I had to leave my girlfriend, whom I was deeply in love with, behind. After a month in Seattle I decided that I loved her too much to leave her like that so I decided to move back to be with her.

I packed up my station wagon and drove back to California. When I was driving back all I could think about was her and how great it would be to be with her again. On the trip I think I listened to Daisies of the Galaxy about 5 times before I got home. When I saw her I was overjoyed but she was not. She dumped me three days later.

Now whenever I see her she tells me how perfect her life is without me and how much fun she's having. After talking to her I look at my life and see how much it sucks because of the choices I made and I feel like crap. I cant get over her and it's driving me insane. Please Uncle E, give me some guidance on what I should do.

Your Avid Listener,
N

Dear N,
It's always nice when the "ex" mentions how nice things are without you. I don't know you or her, and I am not a licensed therapist in this or any other state, but I'm going to lay it on the line: you're better off without her. Who wants to spend their short hours on Earth with someone that would be so cruel? And I'm sure it's not all rosy in her new relationship. Remember these wise words that I recently read on a backstage wall: "No matter how hot she is, somebody somewhere is sick of her shit."

Dear Uncle E,
Everyone thinks I'm gay. I'm not gay. Help.

J

Dear J,
Everyone thinks you're gay. So what? Lots of girls like "femmy" guys. This beautiful modern world we live in has become a huge melting pot of every color and sexuality in the rainbow! You could start dressing like a lumberjack, but then you'd probably just be mistaken for a gay "bear." Embrace your gayness, even if it's not real. Don't try to be anyone you're not.

Dear Uncle E,
I am deeply in love with this girl I know from school. However, I used to go out with this other girl whom I went all the way with (which I deeply regret) and now the girl I am in love with (and have been for a couple of years) focuses on that fact to determine the kind of person I am. What should I do to show her I am a good person?

C

Dear C,
If the girl you're in love with can't get over the fact that you "did it" with someone in your past, then you have to ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship with someone that can only live in the past while you are living in the present, baby. So you did it. What's that got to do with her?

Dear Uncle E,
Could you teach me some basic beard care, mine is getting pretty damn big and it looks like a mess.

Yours sincerely,
J

Dear J,
Beards are a lot like people. They're all different. One man's beard upkeep is another man's, uh. Well, you know what I mean. And another thing: beards are a lot like the world we live in. Most of it is out of our control. There is nothing you, I or anyone can do about the weather getting very dry or whatever it is that causes those really bad beard days. (Beard men: you know what I'm talking about.) Hope this has been helpful.

Dear Uncle E,
What should I get my brother for his birthday? He's a fanatical guitar player, but I've got no budget...Any suggestions?

Best regards,
A

Dear A,
I put "GUITAR PLAYER, " "GIFT" and "NO BUDGET" into a search engine and got "GUITAR PICK (PLECTRUM)." Hope he likes it.

Dear Uncle E,
Today the drummer and a guitar player left my little band because they want to concentrate on their new power trio. The singer is thinking about leaving us, too. Then there'd be only two members left: me and my best friend, playing the bass and the guitar. There'll be a last gig in October. What should I do after it? I try to see it as a chance to start something new, maybe the direction of the Red Hot Chili Peppers nowadays, but with German lyrics. Or something electronic? But my friend is a bit conservative. I also would like to play seventies-rhythm 'n blues, but I don't want such a big band. One problem in my last band was trying to manage the interests of 5 people.

Any ideas?,
S

Dear S,
Whatever you do, I cannot emphasize this point enough: the Red Hot Chili Peppers with German lyrics is a very, very, bad idea. On behalf of the people of the world I implore you not to do this. Glad I could help.

Dear Uncle E,
I'm gay.

J

Dear J,
I'm glad you figured this out on your own. I didn't want to be the one to tell you. Congratulations, and please have a great, gay life!

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