Dear Uncle E's advice is intended to be read merely as entertainment and not as something you should actually pay attention to, let alone act upon. If you actually think that taking advice from THIS guy, of all people, can help you, then you're in worse trouble than you think. No one here at EELStheband.com takes any responsibility for anything written in the Dear Uncle E column. Uncle E is neither your Uncle nor anyone else you actually know. If Uncle E does not reply in print to your letter, this does not mean that he hates you. If Uncle E does reply in print to your letter, this does not mean that he likes you.

Dear Uncle E,
When we get new chickens I always name one of them "Mr. E." Unfortunately, it seems that it is always Mr. E that dies first. We never seem to have any luck with this name. The first Mr. E was killed by my Cocker Spaniel, and the second Mr. E was pecked to death by the other chickens. Should I try for a third time and name my new chicken "Mr. E" or go with something new?

Please Help!
A

Dear A,
It seems that even in the chicken shack Mr. E can't get a break. I don't happen to believe that the E family is cursed, but many do, and perhaps this curse extends to chickens. Give the next poor chick a break. Name him something else. And keep the dog away from him, for God's sakes.

Dear Uncle E,
Why would Sammy Hagar proclaim that there is only one way to rock, and then never, ever explain what it is? This has been driving me to drink since 1985. If there is only one way to rock, do you know what it is? Please help me, I need to learn that elusive one way.

J

Dear J,
The Red Rocker has been confounding expectations for decades by ordering uno Mas Tequila after uno Mas Tequila while still staying in the moment Right Here Right Now and rocking only one way -- the only way, according to him. All while refusing to drive 55 miles per hour. He simply can't rock the other ways, the same way that he can't drive the legal speed limit of the 1980s. But this shouldn't stop you from exploring the MANY WAYS TO ROCK (hey, that's a good album title...). Unless you want to end up on an embarrassing never-ending spring break in Cabo San Wabo, well into your middle age, I suggest that you try not to paint yourself into the dead end of a one way, no outlet rock street and rock any way you want to on the freeway of rock (at any speed you desire).

Dear Uncle E,
Could you please explain to a loyal fan the significance of the white dogs on your album covers? Are they Cockapoos? My husband and I are considering adopting a dog from Cockapoo Rescue and would love your insight into this breed.

Muchas gracias,
J S

Dear J,
Hola, Seniorita. The white dogs on the EELS album covers are just some of the clues that were supposed to lead the EELS' fans to conclude that I was dead. I am dead, but the fans never figured it out. Keep looking for clues and one of you will figure it out eventually.

Anyway, a Cockapoo is a wonderful choice. The Cockapoo gets its extraordinary intelligence and non-shedding coat from the Poodle. When combed and brushed, some hair does come out, but it is not likely that you will find dog hairs on the carpet. Likewise, there is very little dander, which is the main culprit in allergies to dogs. This makes the Cockapoo the ideal choice for those who have problems with allergies. The Cockapoo's sweet nature, patient disposition and sturdy build come from the Cocker Spaniel. The resulting personality is unparalleled in its ability to relate to people and children. They are famous for being loyal, affectionate, friendly, nondestructive, eager to please, easily trained, vigorous, clean, healthy and long lived. We'd all be lucky to have husbands and wives as good as Cockapoos. One day it will be legal to marry a Cockapoo.

Dear Uncle E,
My band's drummer hasn't got a working drum left, the bass player keeps falling asleep, the guitar player is a control freak megalomaniac, and we argue all the time. But we do rock. Any tips?

Many thanks,
G

Dear G,
Uncle E could have written your letter himself. Welcome to the world of rock. It's not what people think and it's definitely not for the faint-hearted. Even when your band gets to a point where you have CDs on a major record label and you're touring the world, you'll still be lucky if Koool G Murder, uh, I mean your bass player, wakes up in time to come to sound check. It's an endless nightmare but maybe that's what Sammy Hagar meant: There's only one way to rock. With a bunch of flaky, smelly musicians. Get used to it.

Dear Uncle E,
My girlfriend and I have found the best uses for your music. When it comes to drinking, working on old cars, and having sex.... your music is fantastic. It really has an amazing effect. Have any other suggestions?

Sincerely,
N

Dear N,
I'm so glad that you and your girlfriend are enjoying Uncle E's tunes. Many an EELS fan will tell you that EELS music is great for drinking to, working on old cars to, and of course, for having sex to. But from my own experience I've found that it's REALLY great music to do ALL THREE things at once to. Try having drunken sex in the back seat of an old car you've just fixed up while you listen to Souljacker and tell me if it isn't the most fun you've had since Arbor Day.

Another fun thing to do is play one of America's favorite bedroom "parlor" games: The EELS Tour Sex Game. I'm sure you know about this, but in case you don't, here's how it works: Men and women dress up as players from each EELS tour over the years and pick cards telling them to do horrible and degrading things to each other. You can bet that as we speak someone somewhere is dressed as Lisa Germano from the EELS 2000 tour spanking a man (or woman) dressed as Koool G Murder from the EELS 2001 tour. Somewhere else, if you listen very closely, you can hear the cries of a bound and gagged man dressed as Puddin' from the EELS 2003 tour being whipped by someone dressed as Butch from the EELS 1998 tour. If you've never played... what are you waiting for? Good luck, and hey, don't forget to use protection.

Dear Uncle E,
If you could rename the planets, what names would you give them?

M

Dear M,
During Uncle E's tenure as President Of The Universe, here is how I would plant my daisies of the galaxy. The planets would be named accordingly:

The former Mercury = Spunky
The former Venus = Susan's Planet
The former Earth = World Of Shit
The former Mars = Planet Of The Apes
The former Jupiter = Puddin'
The former Saturn = Oh What A Beautiful Planet
The former Uranus = Koool G Murder's Place
The former Neptune = Exodus Part III
The former Pluto = !daedsiEelcnU

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