Dear Uncle E's advice is intended to be read merely as entertainment and not as something you should actually pay attention to, let alone act upon. If you actually think that taking advice from THIS guy, of all people, can help you, then you're in worse trouble than you think. No one here at EELStheband.com takes any responsibility for anything written in the Dear Uncle E column. Uncle E is neither your Uncle nor anyone else you actually know. If Uncle E does not reply in print to your letter, this does not mean that he hates you. If Uncle E does reply in print to your letter, this does not mean that he likes you.

Dear Uncle E,
Really. Why does it take you so long to answer our questions?

Sincerely
I

Dear I,
I can only guess that "I" stands for "Ingrate." Uncle E has been busy rocking about 80 cities around the world since June. I guess that just isn't enough these days. You kids today need so much. Too much, if you ask Uncle E. I'm rocking as fast as I can, and trying to find the time to answer your questions, you inconsiderate, little baby.

Dear I,
Sorry about that. Perhaps Uncle E was a little hard on you. He's been under a lot of stress. You don't know how hard it is to travel the world, having fun night after night putting on rock concerts, playing music that you love, hanging out with pretty girls, etc. It can make a guy a little testy. Uncle E apologizes.

Dear Uncle E,
I am a fairly levelheaded young lady who happens to be a big fan of the EELS. However, recently I have found that my love for the EELS is becoming too much for me to handle. It all started when I saw them on their Tour of Duty in Birmingham. Since then I am unable to let go of the wonderful experience that overcame me that night. When I shut my eyes all I can see is Mr. E signing my T-shirt or Koool G smiling. I have lost my appetite for anything but the EELS. Uncle E, what can I do? I fear that the only possible cure would be to have Puddin' sent to me through air mail.

Sincerely,
A

Dear A,
You see? This is what I was telling "I" in my last reply. This is the burden of being an EEL. It's not as easy as you might think. Believe me, we'd like to systematically make love to each and every one of you, but due to the sheer number of you, and the constraints of time, the best we can do is make love to a few hundred of you and the rest have to settle for the music. But we like to think that playing music for you is a form of making love. Really. Think about it. But I'm afraid we can't send Puddin' through the mail. People often mistake drummers for animals, but, although Puddin' is a drummer, he's still a human being. Sort of.

Dear Uncle E,
So, like, what's the deal with all the birds and guns on your album covers?

K

Dear K,
Uncle E likes birds and guns almost as much as he likes to refer to himself in the third person. I'm pretty sure I documented my fondness in either I LIKE GUNS or I LIKE BIRDS, from the DAISIES OF THE GALAXY album. I can't remember the exact title.

Dear Uncle E,
My current girlfriend believes that I am gay because I would rather be working on my music than having sexual intercourse with her. Although she denies it, I believe that her disbelief in my heterosexuality stems not from my devotion to my music, but from my choice of instrument. I have learned through experience that girls do not find keyboard players as sexy as guitarists. She also finds it "weird and kinda creepy" that I choose to play BEAUTIFUL FREAK on repeat every time we engage in our aforementioned intercourse.

Help me, Uncle E. Should I kick this girl to the curb and start searching for another? She's very pretty and likes playing video games, so I'd hate to see her go. On the other hand, she always kicks my ass at Mario Kart in front of my roommates, which I find vaguely emasculating

Thanks,
I

Dear I,
First of all, let me say how flattered Uncle E is to hear that you like to make sweet love to BEAUTIFUL FREAK. This is an honor I hold dear, no matter how creepy. It's true that the keyboardists don't "score" with the ladies like the guitar players do. Of course, there are exceptions... Ray Charles... Jerry Lee Lewis... me.... Well, I play guitar, too, and Ray Charles also plays the saxophone, and we all know the ladies can't resist a good sax solo. Anyway, I know it must be hard to find a video game-playing babe, but she needs to know one very important thing upfront if she is going to continue to make sweet and creepy love with you: You are married to Rock, first and foremost. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING else comes second. If she is willing to take a back seat to Lady Rock, then you just get back to rocking the best way you can, even if it is on a keyboard. If she can't understand this, it's time to move on.

Dear Uncle E,
A report this morning on BBC News said that EELS are fast becoming a new, almost "trendy" type of food. After years of being associated with old people with no teeth eating them jellied, they are gaining popularity as an item for younger people. As an EEL, how do you feel about this? Do you feel at risk?

D

Dear D,
People have been digging us for years, that's no secret. As the years go on, the demands of the fans keep escalating. First they want a guitar pick. Next thing you know, someone's begging for a broken drumstick. Then they want to talk to you. Then they say their lives can't go on if they can't sleep with you. Now they want to EAT ME? That's just going too far. Uncle E has to draw the line somewhere.

Dear Uncle E,
I need your help. Every time I listen to Eels I have the uncontrollable urge to take my pants off. This in itself is not a problem, but my fiancee doesn't like it when I do that. She says that there is a time and a place to de-pants myself. It is putting a strain on our otherwise loving relationship. Please help.

Sincerely,
P&E (Pantless and Engaged)

Dear P&E,
You've got to find the strength to control yourself. Somewhere deep inside the reserve tanks of your soul lies the power. I'm sure your fiancee realizes that you're only human, and every one knows it's near impossible to keep your pants on while listening to EELS music, but to her it's just plain old inappropriate, and that's what matters, no matter how "koo-koo" we know she must be. Sure, none of us can understand her old fashion ways, and maybe her idea of a good time is going down to the barn for a yarn spin on Saturday night, but that's not the point. She is your lady and you have to keep her happy. Keep your pants on, or resign yourself to a life of pantless, but lonely, CD listening.

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